Friday, July 08, 2005

July 8th

I've been working on my book lately, The Angry Filmmakers Survival Guide, so last night I decided to go through my old journal and see if there was anything in there that I could use. Man, what a fucking whiner! I can't believe some of the stuff I was writing. How did some of you people stick with it?

There was some interesting stuff. The pieces about actually making the movies were okay, and they took me to a place that was fun to revisit. But all of that talk about no money, and no one returning my calls... I think I have inhabited the same place for the last 5 years. I mean I am still deep in debt, and I still have trouble getting work, even if the stuff I have done has won awards. I am still suffering the same frustrations I was when I started my on line journal. Why is that?

I know I am still frustrated when people don't return my phone calls. I know that when you meet or deal with distributors many of them are still full of shit. And I know that I'm still really angry about all of this film stuff. But have I become this bitter whinny guy? It's making me think...

I mean, the best stuff in the whole world (besides my kid), for me is still making movies. And I know I've been through a lot. (For those of you who don't know, I closed up my studio space and now work out of my house. I am trying to sell my second car, which is my favorite, a rare 1974 BMW 3.0 CS, that I had hoped to fix up one day, I need the money.) I'm working like crazy on my touring and the self distribution of my movies, but I'm not sure how far I've gotten in 5 years.

I made Birddog because I didn't want to be some old guy sitting in a bar saying, "I coulda made a movie...". I did it. And I'm proud of it and everything that has come after it. The ups have been way up, the downs have been way down. Am I still having fun? Or has this become my job? Would I sell out if offered a decent budget? I'm not sure of the answers to any of this. What I do know is that I'm pushing 49, I have no retirement, no money in the bank, and I'm heavily in debt. I have tried different routes to get to the same destination. And I like to think I'm smarter. But I don't know if I am.

I guess these next few months will tell me... Thanks for indulging me, and hopefully you'll keep supporting me.

I know, this one is kind of a downer, but we can't be happy all the time... I'll snap out of it.


Post a Comment

<< Home